It’s Robbie Burn’s night at the Fairwinds Community Club House. It’s a celebration. It’s a party. It includes the address to the Haggis, toasts for the people present and those who aren’t, like the Bard himself and the Queen.
The organizers have asked me to give the “Toast to the Laddies”. I think they asked me because of my husband’s Scottish heritage and I own tartan garb. And one of the reasons I agreed, it classifies as “volunteering at a community event” and I can knock this off my list.
My speech writing is pathetic so I decided to write a poem along the lines of the “Ode to a Haggis”. The toast is a rebuttal to the “Toast to the Lassies”. They gave me carte blanche so I went with the poem and at times tried to use the accent. I did acknowledge the gentleman Peter who toasted the Lassies in the 5th stanza. It took me a week to pull this together. Here’s what I wrote.
For the Lassies I speak, to the Laddies’ face,
Great chieftains, of the plain-spoken race!
Rest for awhile, and take your place,
In full regalia and charm.
We are worthy of your grace,
As long’s my arm.
You shower us with compliments, love and affection,
Pass gas, belch, then smile without humiliation,
Ya listen to us with feigned concentration,
But only choose what ya want ta hear.
We accept your faulty disposition
Understand you, loud and clear.
Sitting in your comfy chairs reclining,
Watching sports, drinking beer, whining,
Leave the remote, no chick flicking!
Did I hear you say – no fricasée,
It’s baseball, golf, hockey pucks flying,
Beer, chips and wings will save the day.
How smart Laddies fashion can be
Wear a kilt, and go Scot free,
For occasions, such as thee,
Lassies must primp and preen.
Thanks be to the sporran between yer knees,
For it makes sure Willie remains unseen!
Now Peter here did convey,
Understanding women, a price you pay,
Knows we’re perfect in every way.
Our few mistakes, no big deal,
Give you the evil eye, you say,
3 hours shopping, we’ll find a steal.
Lassies rise up, glass in hand,
Be proud of our men spiffed up and grand,
For they are more than a one night stand.
In our eyes, canny and braw,
They provide for us from sea and land,
Lang, may yer big jib draw!